


somebody take my hand (and carry me down this road)

by DrowningInStarlight



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Aftermath, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Awesome Shuri (Marvel), Canonical Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Multi, Pain, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-04-28 16:48:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14453574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrowningInStarlight/pseuds/DrowningInStarlight
Summary: Steve had always hated the aftermath of battles. This one was no different, except, of course, it was.[SPOILERS FOR INFINITY WAR WITHIN!]





	somebody take my hand (and carry me down this road)

**Author's Note:**

> [SPOILERS FOR INFINITY WAR!]
> 
>  _"For heaven's sake, won't somebody take my hand, and carry me down this road? I'm lost without you..."_ \-- King Falls AM
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> All characters belong to Marvel because if they belonged to me _we wouldn't be in this fucking situation._

Once upon a time, Wakanda at night had been a thing of beauty. The grasses had shone silver under the light of the stars, the night breeze cool and calming. Whenever Steve hadn't been able to sleep, he'd gone out and just walked, walked until the memories faded and peace returned. 

But that was then. Now...

 

Dark was falling, and Wakanda was broken. 

The air smelt of smoke and death, reminding Steve so strongly of being in the war that he had to fight the urge to gag. The whispering grasslands had been torn apart in front of him, and now everything was mud and blood and horror, a horror he'd hoped that he'd left behind forever. 

He had to know, though. He _had_ to take part in the searching, in finding out who had died in the battle, and who had died... afterwards. 

God, he would never be able to get the taste of dust out of his mouth. 

He took another step, the mud clinging to his boots. It was easier that way, to just-- _step_ not think-- _step_ to just focus on-- _step_ moving--

"Captain Rogers."

He started out of his trance and looked around wildly. He almost reached for his gun, then saw it was the General, Okoye of the Dora Milaje. Right. Definitely a threat, but not currently an enemy. He pretended he hadn't been about to draw a gun on the leader of Wakanda's military, but from the look on her face, she knew. 

"Captain Rogers, you have done enough. You're in no state to be still out on the field. Go up to the palace, visit the infirmary."

"T'Challa?" he asked hoarsely. 

The look on her face told him everything he needed to know.

He did go up to the palace, but he couldn't make himself go into the infirmary. He wasn't injured, not seriously, and besides, he healed fast. Let the medics spend their time on people actually in danger. And if he spent another moment surrounded by death and suffering then he would tip over the edge, he could feel it. 

He went and stood by one of the floor length windows, and looked out over the devastation. 

T'Challa, who had never been anything but kind to him. Someone he was proud to call an ally; a friend. Sam, his brother from day one, in a permanent state of annoyance or confusion, who was always there when Steve needed him. Wanda, the little sister he'd never known he'd wanted, never could have imagined how much he'd miss. And others, more, dead, vanished, gone.

Turned to dust. 

Just like... _Bucky._ It hurt too much to think about, the kind of hurt that will take you apart and leave you nothing, no shred of comfort to cling too as you drown in it.

"Steve?" 

He didn't turn around as Natasha came up behind him. 

"I'm not going to ask if you're okay. It's pretty damn clear you're not. No one is." 

"I appreciate it," he said, and his voice didn't sound like his own. 

She stood next to him and stared out of the window silently. 

"It should have been me," Steve said, eventually. 

"That's not true."

"That's not what I mean. It was _meant_ to be me. I was the skinny kid who couldn't breathe properly sometimes and always caught everything there was to catch, out of the two of us it was always going to be me."

"Did he know that?"

"Yeah. It was the cost of being my friend, and he knew that and was my friend anyway, despite everyone telling him it was a bad idea, that Steve Rogers was a road to nowhere." He wiped a tear off his cheek. 

"Were you in love with him?"

Steve laughed bitterly. "Always. I've _always_ loved him and I was prepared to pay any price for that, _anything_ as long as he was okay. But instead, I've been made to watch him die twice, to always be the one left alone, and it's not... It's not _fair_." 

"I know," Natasha said. "None of this is fair. None of it. Not T'Challa, not _Sam..._

"I'm sorry, Nat." 

Because that was all that left, so soon after the culling of the universe. Sorrow. 

 

***

 

He couldn't stop. 

After Nat had left, he just wandered, helping people out where he could, grieving with the ones he couldn't. Everyone seemed far away, the world dim and lifeless. He'd always hated the aftermath of battles, and this was no different, except, of course, it was. 

In the end, he ended up at the top of one of the smallest towers of the palace. Bucky had shown him the tiny spiral staircase, leading out onto the little roof, surrounded by vines and peacefulness. They'd sat up there together, and watched the stars, and talked. It was a memory Steve clung to, in the way he'd always clung to Bucky, even when everything was against them. 

He stood for a long time in the stairwell, completely quiet. When he finally stepped out onto the tower top, he stopped sharply. Princess Shuri was sitting one of the wooden chairs, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. She wasn't crying, but it was clear she had been.

"Oh, hi, Captain Rogers," she said, looking up, startled. 

"I'm sorry for interrupting you, Princess," he said. "I didn't think anyone else would be up here." 

"Please, just Shuri," she replied. "I didn't think anyone else knew about this place at all." 

"Bucky took me here," he explained, trying to keep his voice steady. 

"Oh, of course," she said, "Yeah, he knew. I should have known he'd tell you. He never stops talking about you-- never stopped, I mean. I--" She stopped suddenly, wiping her eyes. 

"I can go," Steve said awkwardly. "This is your place, and after your brother, and everything--"

"It's okay," Shuri said. "If Bucky brought you here, then in a way it's your place too, isn't it?" 

Her understanding shook him, and he realised once again that T'Challa was not alone in being wise and kind. "I-- I don't know about that. He just wanted to show me the stars." 

Shuri made a sound that in any past time would have been a laugh, and he wondered what she was like without the weight of grief on her shoulders. She was too young for this. If anyone deserved back the people they'd lost, it was her, but Steve's faith in the fairness of the universe had died with Bucky Barnes.

"When he first woke up, and was really lost and confused, he came and sat in my lab most days. He thought my inventions were really cool, and it was funny, so I let him," she said. "He kept talking about you, Steve this, Steve that, and one day he was talking about you getting ill, or something, and apparently he took you up on the roof of somewhere and tried to count the stars. He wouldn't stop talking about the stars, and he just seemed so pathetically sad that I showed him this place."

"I remember that," Steve said softly. "I thought I was dying that night. He said he wouldn't let me. Pity I couldn't return the damn favour."

"I thought the suit I built would keep T'Challa safe," Shuri said. "It was _designed_ to keep him safe. But it did _nothing,_ and now he's gone. Again."

"Again?"

"A while ago, just after he became king, we thought he was dead. I thought I'd lost my brother, and now..." 

"You feel like you can't do it again. I get it. I thought Buck was dead, during World War II. But he wasn't, he was... worse. I expect you know the story."

"I know." 

"I didn't want to ever have to mourn him again. I just wanted him to be happy, finally himself and happy." 

"He had a garden," Shuri said suddenly. "He grew flowers, lots of flowers, the most colourful ones he could find. He loved it. Tomorrow, I'll show you where it is, because you need to keep it watered for him. He'd be pissed if we let it die." 

"Okay," Steve said, because if he said anything more he'd start crying and never stop and he couldn't fall apart, he couldn't. People needed him. "Thank you."

"I know you loved him."

"I did. I really, really did." 

 

*** 

 

The next day, Steve stood among flowers, and cried. Cried for himself, for the things he'd left it too late to say, but most of all, he cried for the ones who couldn't cry any more.

He cried for Bucky Barnes.

**Author's Note:**

> Bucky having a garden in Wakanda is the sweetest idea and I need more fics with it!
> 
> Comments/ kudos are always appreciated :D


End file.
